Unfortunately, not all of our customers are fans. Take Jasper, the Siamese cat. He took time out of his very busy day to write us a strongly worded letter expressing his disapproval of  his owner knowing his whereabouts at all times.


My name is Jasper and I am (dare I say it) a very handsome Siamese cat from Nottingham. I am writing to you today because I am angry, nay, infuriated that you have sold my owner the UBEE CAT GPS tracking device. Why oh why does my owner need to know my every move? Why is she alerted every time I leave a certain area? Why does she need to have access to my historical activity? I need my privacy. I am 40 years old (7 human years). I am an adult. I deserve freedom.

I am no idiot, I know that UBEEQUEE stems from the Latin ‘ubique’ meaning everywhere. Why should my owner come everywhere with me? It is ME who should be everywhere, not her. She should be nowhere, or ‘nusquam’ as you might understand it. As soon as I saw that red box come through the human door flap, I knew my life would be changed forever.

I never used to wander very far, in fact, that is what is most annoying. I enjoyed going to different houses in the neighbourhood (especially student houses, as they are missing their furry friends from back home), as I know that I can get an extra dinner out of them. But now my owner knows I am betraying her. I didn’t want her to find out like this. Also, she now has all the more reason to put me on a diet. She’s been (rudely) calling me fat for the past year, but convinced that as I’m out for hours at a time, I must be getting enough exercise. Now she knows I’m not getting enough exercise and am clearly eating too much. My plans of a relaxing adulthood have been foiled as I must now go on longer walks, so that she doesn’t find out how lazy I really am and what’s worse is that I haven’t had an extra dinner in weeks… I’m exhausted.

I have spoken to my associates Milo and Tilley (other victims of your pesky trackers) and we have decided it would be best to speak to you directly, before getting any lawyers involved. If you do not put an end to this plain disregard of our freedom to roam, explore and manipulate students without our every move being watched, we will have no option but to take further action. We have already drawn up a Cats Privacy Act 2020 and we are not afraid to use it.

You have 2 weeks to respond,